


The Empress Is Dead, Happy Wriggling Night Karkat

by ComplimentaryCuller



Series: After it ended verse [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Karkat is v. tired, M/M, Rosemary makeouts, the ugly horrorterror that is troll-human makeouts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:38:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComplimentaryCuller/pseuds/ComplimentaryCuller
Summary: Karkat is tired of playing auspice for half the Empire and just wants to make out with his boyfriend. Damn it Feferi.





	The Empress Is Dead, Happy Wriggling Night Karkat

Karkat dragged himself out of the sea-dweller grade sopor reluctantly, hearing the insistent knocking at his guest respite-block’s door. Grumpily toweling off, he opened the door, scowling at the skittish servant standing in front of him.

“Her Imperial Culler requests your presence for the party planning, Sir Vantas,” they stumbled out, unsure of how to act around a close friend of the new, and therefore unpredictable Empress, especially with him being a mutant with sea-dwelling features, giving no indication of his natural disposition to aggression. 

Karkat grimaced. “Give me a minute,” he grumbled, and slammed the door behind him, causing the servant to nervously flinch. A minute later, he stomped out, dressed in a crisp uniform, straight from the wardrobifier, the accents and sign exclaiming his mutant hue. 

The servant barely refrained from recoiling in disgust, hue still sparking the primal instinct of  _ wrong--untroll--freak-mutant-abomination,  _ and led the way to the new Empress’s council room, where she was simultaneously reconfiguring the entirety of the Empire’s structured hierarchy, and planning a ridiculously extravagant party for her friend’s wriggling-night.

She looked to the door as the servant opened it for Karkat, perking up immediately when she saw who it was. “Karcrab! I was whale-ndering when you would wake up! Come on, wave got ob-sea-ne amounts of planning to do, clam over here and kelp me!”

Karkat buried his face in his hands. “Can’t we start fixing the Empire before we do the party? Am I the only one who thinks that maybe that’s a good idea? You know, shutting down the mass cullings and murder and assorted hoof-beast-fuckery going on?” He shot a look at Tavros, who was being questioned by a multitude of servants about the colors and shades for the table-cloths, of all things. “I expected better from you, honestly. Table cloths, Nitram? You’re supposed to be on my side here.”

Tavros shrugged helplessly. “I, was roped, into this, so that she, could multitask, instead, of just focusing on this, like she threatened.”

Karkat dragged his claws down his face in exasperation, before throwing his hands up in the air. “Fine! Fine, you people do your stupid party planning, and I’ll be over here-” he pointed to one of the few tables not already colonized by the party planning, where some of the rebels were conversing with the head Admirals “-and actually putting some of our plans in action, like a sensible person!” He walked over, seamlessly inserting himself into the planning by pointing out the flaws in one of the Admirals argument against the changes (YOU DO REALIZE THIS IS AN ORDER FROM THE *EMPRESS*, RIGHT? THIS ISN’T UP FOR DEBATE), and clarifying the finer points of the new protocol for the care and installation of Helmsmen (OF COURSE IT WILL BE VOLUNTARY, AS IN THEY’LL HAVE TO AGREE TO THE PROCEDURE FIRST, WITHOUT COERCION, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS?). 

Feferi and Tavros looked at each other, restraining their giggles, and went back to their work.

“Oh, and Karcrab?” Feferi turned back around, having just remembered something. 

“WHAT?” He yelled back, not turning around from his work.

“We’re having the party on Earth!” She exclaimed gleefully. “We already sent a video message to the humans! I think the signal was too strong though, it showed up on the entire planet’s devices!”

He turned to look at her, angry disbelief written all over his face. “You did *WHAT*???”

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

Rose burst into the living room of the Beta’s shared house, smiling as her friends all looked at her in surprise. “They're coming! Kanaya and Karkat and all of them!” Jade's eyes widened, and then the TV turned itself on, Feferi grinning with her needle teeth as she waved. 

“)(i, Earth! We're coming over, we )(ave some fronds with you guppies!” She looked off-screen, before looking back, giggling. “Sollux says that I s)(oal-d tail you that we come in peace! Glub! Sea you soon!” The broadcast cut out. 

Dave looked at Rose, his expression matching hers. “Karkat,” he said, smiling.

“Kanaya,” echoed Rose.

John and Jade went over to hug their friends, and soon, the Alphas had rushed over to their house too. And if Dave and Rose held hands excitedly all night, smiling at each other near identically, no one mentioned it.

 

\-------------------------------

 

President Obama was having a rough day. When he had won the 2008 election, he had expected difficulties, true. The Republican party's stubbornness, certainly. Repairing the economy. Working on peace. Being an African-American president. But. This was a bit ridiculous. Aliens? Really? He said as much to his wife, who was rubbing his back soothingly.

“I know, Barak. No one could have expected this. You’ll get through this. I’m sure that you will handle this well,” Michelle Obama comforted him, handing him another glass of whiskey. “You won the election as the first African-American; you have this.”

He buried his head in his hands. “It’s  _ aliens _ , Michelle.  _ Aliens. _ ” 

She looked at him a moment, and then filled his glass to a quarter inch from the top. 

He downed it in one drink.

 

\-----------------------------------

 

“Oh my COD, Karcrab, I get it! Humans are soft and I shoal-d have been more gentle with them, glub glub glub! You don’t need to keep carping on a-boat it, I’m not a doo-fish!” 

Karkat crossed his arms, still glaring at Feferi from across the room where he had dragged her to to properly chew her out; he could hardly do it in front of her court, unless he wanted the trashy gossip rags to start circulating the “““whirlwind black affair between the Empress and her shocking choice of kismesis”””. Or whatever they used these nights. “Did you even translate it into a human language? Please don’t tell me you just sent them a video full of meaningless clicks and chittering coming from excited aliens. Lie if you have to, just don’t tell me you did that.”

The look on Feferi’s face confirmed it.

Karkat’s claws punctured the wood of the table he was leaning on.

 

\-----------------------------

 

With a lot of yelling and minor threats, Karkat had bullied Sollux into landing them in international waters, and sending the coordinates to various leaders of Earth. Sollux had also passive-aggressively sent a few videos demonstrating their extensive Imperial Fleet and weapons systems, adding a small note at the end: don't giive me an excu2e. That is, he tried to, before Karkat caught him.

“SOLLUX CAPTOR DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE, YOU LIMP-FRONDED APIARY-FUCKER!” He screeched, from where he had been chewing out one of the Admirals for suggesting that they simply invade “the mud-ball” and “use the inhabitants for slave labor”. He whacked Sollux around the head, and grabbed control of the mouse, deleting the attached files and bitchy message. He turned back to Sollux, who was clutching his head and hissing at him from the floor.

“Oh, fuck you, KK, excuthe me for not wanting to be attacked when I thet frond on the planet.”

Karkat glared. “You know perfectly well that the ship could take it, they've barely got nuclear weapons! The best chance they have, if they *really* wanted to kill us, is if they all banded together, and you  _ know _ they won't do that. Half of them want to kill each other, for fuck’s sake!” 

Sollux picked himself off the floor, muttering under his breath about “bitchy-ath mutanth with thuperiority complektheth”. 

Karkat turned back around to finish yelling at the Admiral, only to find they had scarpered off while he was distracted. He cursed under his breath. Gog damn it.

 

\----------------

 

Sollux piloted the ship down into the water without a splash, using his ports instead of a helm rig, and stumbled out of the navigation block, still a bit woozy from the transition from  _ being _ the ship to being _ inside _ of it. Aradia caught him, checking over her moirail worriedly, and Feferi watched from the sidelines, wanting to fuss but respecting the ”first dibs” rule of moirails. Sollux groaned, adjusting, and blinked hard, standing up on his own power, only swaying a little bit. The ship could run on auxiliary power in space, but landings required more finesse, and he had to be plugged in for them. 

Karkat came striding around the corner. 

“You alright, bulge-lick? Didn't fuck up anything in yourself like an idiot, did you?” He was scrolling through a husk-pad, retooling some of the current strategies for containing a planet that had been flagged as a threat, and glanced up at Sollux, face set in its usual scowl.

Sollux hissed at him, and stuck his bifurcated tongue out.

“Great, you're fine, then.” He sent the changes back to the Admiral on the assignment, and started walking away, waving as he went to chew out yet another General for some fuck-up or another. He was losing track at this point; being the Left Hand of the Empress was annoying as shit, and basically translated to him playing auspice for the entire Empire. “And somebody send out the invites to the meet-and-greet with the leaders of the “countries” or whatever they're called, I haven't done that yet. And no threats! Looking at you, Sollux!” He turned around the corner, and was unable to see the truly vile gesture Sollux made at him. 

Aradia whacked him on the head. “You stop that!”

He glared and hissed at her without any real venom.

 

\-------------

 

Sollux moaned theatrically as Aradia carded through his hair, careful around his ports as she untangled it.

“And he wanth me to make  _ tranthlatorth _ , and I have to do it for every thingle Earth language too, tho none of the humanth get in a thnit about it, and he wanth them to be able to fit inthide their auricular thells, which it a pain in the ath too,  _ and _ he wanth thome thpy-bugth tho he can keep track of the Admiralth at the dumb party tho they don't fuck up too bad, and theparate oneth tho he can lithen for thedithiouth thit while on-duty from people around him.” He tipped his head back, looking up at his moirail's face, and groaned loudly to show his displeasure. 

“That sucks,” she said, knowing what he really wanted was commiseration. “Couldn't you just download the languages from their internet, and maybe tune him into the auricular-pieces? And for the on-duty ones, just make some listening-devices that just focused on troll voice and tuned out the rest?” 

He rolled over, head still in her lap, and looked up at her properly. “Lithen, AA, when you that it like that it thounds obviouth.”

She giggled. “You just needed an outside perspective!” She patted his face, and then shoved him off the extended padded sit platform, watching as he tumbled onto the floor like the bag of very pointy sticks he felt like whenever she hugged him. “Now go do it, Sollux!”

He glared. “I dethpithe you.”

“Sure you do!” 

 

\---------------

 

Needless to say, the sight of a small delivery drone, looking very much like a tyrian-colored ladybug and clutching a legful of ridiculously gaudy envelopes bumping twice against 1413 Peach Street (chosen specifically for the address) came as a surprise to the Beta's nosy neighbors. The fact that Rose, a very strange young woman in their minds regardless, answered half a second after the second knock was not nearly as strange to them so much as her indifference to the large insect, taking the four letters offered and giving eight envelopes back, already addressed and with postage stamps added (she was nothing if not an excellent guest). That the very… _organic_ looking drone went next door and repeated this process with her relation(???), Dirk, was only the icing on the cake. Dirk was less prompt, and without his own envelopes, but the residents of Peach Street counted themselves lucky that they were not visited by the thing themselves, and went back to furiously ignoring 1413 and 1415 Peach Street. And if, three days later, they saw the owners of the two houses come out in formal wear, wait for about five minutes, and then step into the body of an _enormous_ _flying bug,_ then they stifled their screams as it flew in the direction it had come from. Considering the recent events, stranger things could happen, especially with neighbors like them.

 

\--------

 

The scuttle-buggy was full of chatter, spirited discussions bouncing around the fleshy interior, except for the quiet corner where Dave and Rose sat, holding each other's hands tightly, their knuckles white. Similar thoughts were going through their heads.

Dave looked over at Rose. “You know she's still going to be in love with you, right? The two of you really cared about each other on the meteor, and a little bit of distance isn't going to change that.”

Rose nodded, swallowing. “And you realize that Karkat will not have found someone better suited to him, right? He won't have decided that quadrants were a better choice.”

“Kanaya’s gonna be fine, you know? She's tough, she wouldn't let them land a hit.”

“Karkat cared about you so much on the meteor, he wouldn't have let go of it.”

“She's not going to be hurt at all, she probably spearheaded the rebellion.”

“He’s alive.”

They locked gazes. 

“We are never going to talk about our feelings in a normal way, are we?” Dave asked.

Rose offered a panicked grimace. “I'm scared,” she said. “I am so very, very scared, Dave.”

He took off his shades, tucked them into his suit pocket. “Me, too, Rose. Me, too.” His red eyes were full of fear, for Karkat, for Kanaya, for Rose, for their relationships, for-

She squeezed his hand. “I'll be there with you. No knocking you out with balls of yarn this time.” She offered him a shivery smile; her lipstick was green, the same color she'd been painting them ever since they woke up three years in the future with no memories of them passing, the day they'd realized that there  _ was _ a new way for the Game to screw them over, and it had done it.

He smiled, as uncertain as her, and fiddle with the Cancer ring he'd gotten the same day as she bought her lipstick. “You know I'd find a way to follow you anyway.”

The scuttle-buggy landed on the Battleship Culler, and the doors opened onto a very refined shuttle bay, a carpet leading to an ornate door in front of them. The shades went back on. The calm, knowing facade settled on her face. Rose rose from her seat, Dave following, their hands still clasped, and the rest followed behind them as they made their way down the tyrian carpet.

A rust-blood in uniform offered them ear pieces, presumably translators. 

Rose smiled. “We won't be needing those,” she said in flawless, unaccented Alternian. “But we are outliers, and you should be sure to offer them to the other guests.”

The rust-blood, having hit her capacity for weird shit ten nights ago upon seeing a mutant-blood telling Her Imperial Culler to “shut her obnoxious, water-breathing ignorance flap”, only nodded and said “Yes, ma'am.” 

They followed the arrows, arriving in a crab themed ballroom, red everywhere, with a huge banner saying “Happy Wriggling Night, Karkat!” in seven languages (Alternian, English, Arabic, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, Russian, and French). Rose and Dave stopped just short of the descending stairs, searching for the distinctive horns of their partners. Not seeing them, they nodded at each other, and started down the stairs, joining their friends. And then Rose saw Kanaya, nursing a glass of what was presumably grub juice (she didn't seem to be glowing) as she conversed with a fellow jade-blood. Before she knew it she was ducking through the crowd-Kanaya's eyes locked with hers-Kanaya rushed towards her-Kanaya grabbed her tightly-Rose threw her arms around her neck-Kanaya spun them around- and then- 

then, then they were kissing, hard, hungry, fangs and teeth clicking together like cymbals, then softer, sweeter, the aluminum and iron tang of their blood mixing together as they chased the taste into each other's mouth. She was standing on her toes to meet Kanaya's adult height. Their eyelashes brushed against each other's as they pulled away, breathless, staring into each other's eyes. 

And then reality snapped into place around them, and there were ambassadors and leaders from every country in the world staring at them, although the Alternians hardly even noticed at this point. 

Rose, or at least, her cheeks, lived up to her name, blood rushing to them as she looked around the ballroom, seeing all the shocked eyes as she held hands with Kanaya. Kanaya, to her credit, tried to play it off, and ushered Rose off to the Cavern Assesser she had been speaking with, introducing her, and the three of them tried to make pleasant conversation. This strategy was abandoned after about three minutes, and they snuck off to a secluded corner to make up for lost time.

Dave threw a panicked glance to his remaining friends, and Dirk took Rose’s place, sticking by his son father _brother’s_ side as they mingled, the others snapped up by suspicious ambassadors and dignitaries.

“It's going to be fine, Dave,” Dirk said as they made their way to the snack table, snagging some cherry-flavored troll-Jello shots in tiny, flower-shaped crystal glasses. “You'll see.” He was panicking inside; comforting people was not his thing.

Dave nodded, lips a thin line. He was fidgeting with his ring.

Dirk scanned the crowd, looking for Roxy; she had always been better with people than him. Instead, he caught a pair of red eyes, which skipped right over him, until Karkat's think pan caught up to his observation orbs and the anime shades registered. He excused himself from a conversation with another Alternian and some bureaucrat or another, hurrying over. Dave inhaled sharply.

“Hey, Karkat,” he said uncertainly.

Karkat looked at him searchingly, before twisting his mouth into an expression of resignation. “You found someone else, didn't you?” he said, turning away. “I'll, just-”

Dave caught his arm. “What? No, I just, I-”

Dirk looked on the spectacle with an amount of fear that would seem excessive to anyone that didn't know Dave or Karkat personally. “Dave still loves you, and I’m out,” he squeaked, and flash-stepped away, locating Jane, resolving to not leave her side for the entire night.

Karkat looked at Dave hopefully. “Do you really?” He breathed, not quite believing it.

Dave mashed their mouths together with all the finesse of a sixteen year old, which, admittedly, was when he had last done it.

Another chunk of the human guests were introduced to the ugly horror-terror that is troll-human relationships. At least this time there wasn't any freaky-colored blood for them to gawk at. 

 

\----------

 

“Oh shit,” Dave said, looking to his right, still holding onto Karkat's arm like a proper Victorian lady. 

Karkat glanced over, still carrying on his conversation with the South Korean ambassador.

“What, Dave,” he asked under his breath.

“It's Obama,” Dave said excitedly, eyes wide under his shades.

Karkat struggled to not roll his eyes, sensing that it would send the wrong message to the South Korean woman in front of him as they chattered about the similarities between Alternian and Terran flora. He heard an alert on his earpiece, the one that told him an Admiral was dropping unsubtle threats, and he excused himself from the conversation, saying that he “was required for Fleet reasons.” He nodded to her, and made his way to the ““grinning”” indigo-blood, thankfully not of the Mirthful church, and inserted himself in the conversation, smiling pleasantly at the Italian bureaucrat as he growled a warning sub-vocally to the Alternian. Painstakingly, he steered the discussion about weapon manufacturing into a debate about metal working in about fifteen minutes, and from there nudged it into speculation on the possibility of different elements on their planets after a half hour, although it  _ felt _ more like sweeps. Job done, he excused himself, planning on getting himself the sugariest drink he could stand, without becoming too intoxicated to continue being the Empress’ Left Hand. Dave tugged on his elbow.

“Dude, that's  _ Obama. _ This is so cool, oh my God, c’mon, I-”

Karkat gave a click-chirr of annoyance. “Yes, yes, your human “president”, I  _ know _ . I was there on the meteor with you, fuck-face.” His earpiece buzzed, and he gave a growl-hiss of restrained fury. A benefit of his mutation, he supposed, was the ability to restrain his violent impulses. He gritted his fangs. 

“Congratulations, Dave,” he kept his face carefully in check, not wanting to disturb the human guests. “You get to meet him.” Of  _ course  _ the alert had to be for the General speaking to the leader of the nation with the most weapons. He'd swear they were doing it on  _ purpose _ , honestly.

Dave gave a shimmy of excitement that he wouldn't ever confess was unironic. “ _ Hell yes.”  _ His legendary Strider calm slipped for a half second, revealing a grin, quickly smothered. He had a reputation to uphold, after all. “We're doing this, bro.”

Karkat rolled his eyes at the horrible joke. “We're making it happen.”

They walked through the crowd, catching a glimpse of Kanaya and Rose playing a heated match of tonsil hockey on one of the benches by the wall. Karkat sent an alert on his palmhusk, moving up the ball dancing music to play in five minutes. They stopped, Karkat eyeing the General predatorily while smiling at President Obama. 

“Good evening,” he said, suppressing a high trill that meant ‘back off’ with a hint of ‘I'll eviscerate you’. “I hope I'm not interrupting anything. General Fourfang, might I ask you for a dance? ‘Glory to the Empress, she who rules all, death to her enemies, Sonata Six’ is going to play, and I've heard that you are an excellent ballroom dancer.” It wasn't a request, not from the Empress’ Left Hand.

She smiled, fins half-flared, impotent rage making them flush with a deep violet. “Why, I am honored to be asked such a thing, by the Left Hand of the Empress, no less. It would be my pleasure.” She half hissed it, voice dripping with disdain. 

He took her by the waist, sweeping her away. “Show me that kind of disrespect again and I'll have you handed over to the clowns for paint,” he snarled into her ear. “Is that understood, General?” 

Her fins flared fully, raising eyebrows from the trolls around them, before they looked _very_ _quickly_ away. “Yes, Sir,” she said, voice clipped.

He  tightened his grip on her waist, making her chitin plates creak and shift. She stifled a gasp of pain. 

“Now, General,” he said tersely. “What was it I said about threatening the human guests?”

“That it was not allowed, Sir,” her flared fins were disappearing into her bulk of hair, thick braids splitting off into smaller and smaller ones, the length of it showing her propensity to violence and confidence in how easily she could win a fight, a threat display as blatant as her fins. The fact that a  _ mutant _ , nub-horned and short-haired, his disgustingly red fins half folded in calm assurance, was ranked above her infuriated her. She let a growl slip out.

He looked her in the eyes, head and shoulders below her, his face set in a diplomatic smile. His fins flared as wide as they would go and a sub-vocal growl wrenched itself from his secondary vocal cords, loud enough that all the trolls within ten feet froze before realizing that it wasn't directed at them, almost within the human hearing range. He was still smiling.

General Fourfang froze.

“Just because I seem calm, General,” Karkat emphasized his statement with a squeeze of her hip, plates creaking in protest, “does not mean I don't want to rip off your bulge and feed it to your lusus, understand? An effect of my mutation, it seems, is the ability to suppress my murderous urges.  _ It does not take them away _ .” He released her hip, patting it gently, and took her hand as the music started. “May I have this dance,  _ Hifixt Kifyjo?”  _

Her eyes widened at the use of her hatch name, one she had left behind centuries ago. “Of course, Sir,” she said, and they began to dance.

 

\----------------

 

Dave had been vibrating with excitement since Karkat had steered them toward President Obama, and now that he was alone with him, he was finding it hard to keep his chill.

“'Sup, Mr. Obama.” He kept his face neutral, offering his hand for a handshake.

“Hello, young man,” President Obama shook it firmly, looking at Dave with interest. “And you are?”

“Dave Strider, sir. I'm from Texas, huge fan of yours.” 

“I was under the impression that this was a way for the Alternian Empire to introduce themselves to the world leaders. May I ask why you are here?” 

Dave kept his face blank. They'd discussed what to tell people beforehand, deciding to say it was a long story, but tell the truth of pressed. Karkat had agreed, and Rose hadn't seen anything bad arise from it, but he was still unsure. “It's a long story,” he said, going for the easy option.

President Obama frowned at him. “Mr. Strider, it is my duty to keep my country safe, and I have to insist-”

“We weren't abducted, if that's what you're asking.” Dave sighed, and began floating absent-mindedly. President Obama stared. “It's kind of a long story. Also, pretty unbelievable.”

President Obama looked him in the eyes. “Mr. Strider, are you aware that you are currently floating? I am prepared to believe  _ many _ things you will tell me.”

“Oh shit,” Dave muttered, and dropped to the floor. His legendary composure had failed him in his time of need. 

“Language, young man,” President Obama said sternly, fatherly reflexes kicking in.

“Sorry,” Dave said. “Anyway, Rose-” he indicated his sister, currently making out with Kanaya by an enormous glass vase, filled with red coral and crabs “-had the idea for each of us to write up a summary of what happened in The Game, so we can give them to you- yeah, here she comes.”

Rose had broken off making out to glide across the floor elegantly, unsubtly copping a feel of Kanaya's glutes, looking enormously smug with her flushed and torn up lips. Her hair was perfect. Dave envied her hair. His took enough hairspray to suffocate an elephant, and she woke up with hair like that. He was going to kill Roxy one day for passing her hair genes onto him.

She stopped in front of them, smiling amusedly. “Good evening, President Obama,” she said, Kanaya smiling beside her.

“Dave spoke highly of you on the meteor. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” Kanaya offered her hand. 

President Obama shook it, suppressing his surprise. “And might I inquire what your name is?”

“Kanaya Maryam.” Her fangs shined in the bright light.

Rose stepped forward smoothly, taking eight folders out of her purse, which seemed far too small to hold them, and offered them to President Obama. “You will find our full reports on what happened in The Game inside, Mr. Obama. Rest assured, this is not a joke.” She turned to Kanaya. “Now, dear, I believe that piano in the corner is calling for us.”

Kanaya nodded, waving goodbye to Dave and Mr. Obama as they swept away, Rose back to copping a feel.

Dave was ready to melt into a puddle of shame.

President Obama turned to him. “I'll be contacting you about this later, young man. Now, I believe your… his title is “Left Hand of the Empress”, yes? He is coming this way. Excellent meeting you, Mr. Strider.”

Karkat made his way over, offering Dave his arm. “I'm going to murder one of those cocky highbloods one of these nights, Dave. I am going to rip off their arms and shove them up their excretory chutes, until the sticks up their asses jut out of their ignorance flaps, and then I'm going to shove them out of the airlock and laugh at their flash-frozen corpses,” he said casually, seeming as untroubled as a churchgoer talking to their pastor about the weather.

Dave looked at him. “Want to go make out?” He asked.

“ _ Gog _ , yes,” Karkat said. Looks like Nepeta was going to take a turn keeping the assholes in line. He texted Nepeta on his palmhusk, and she bounced over.

“Hello, Karkitty!” She grinned. “Mew said mew needed a fav-purr?” 

“Yeah, can you take over asshole containment? These auricular pieces will tell you who's fucking up, all you need to do is go over and defuse it.”

She smiled with her cleft lip. “AC will keep the highbloods in line! She is  _ very _ good at intimidation!” 

Dave shivered. That girl had a  _ feral  _ feeling to her, like she would maul and eat you as soon as talk to you. He didn't doubt that she would, given half a reason.

Karkat handed over the earpieces, showing her how to put them in, and she saluted, scurrying off to a violet who was  _ black flirting _ with the Argentinian ambassador. Of all fucking things. 

Dave and Karkat beat a hasty retreat, trying to look busy so no one would try to talk to them. 

Feferi got up on the stage, majestic in her flowing gown, tiara gleaming, and needle teeth glittering as she smiled. “)(ello, everyone!” Her voice was automatically translated by the earpieces as she spoke, only a half step behind. “T)(is was a great way to get to know each ot)(er, and I )(ope we can become great fronds wit)( y-oar planet! But this is ALSO a celebration of my great friend and Left )(and, Karkat Vantas, and )(is Wriggling Nig)(t! Karkat, come up!”

He nearly screamed. Instead, he grimaced at Dave as he left, fixed a smile on his face, and made his way up the stairs, standing beside Feferi in his crisp black-and-red uniform, her sign in tyrian on his left sleeve. “Thanks, Feferi. I'm glad that my wriggling night helped introduce the Alternian Empire to Earth officials, and I'd like to say it was a pleasure meeting you all. I can only hope that I represented the Empire well. Thank you again, Feferi.” 

She grinned. “It was my pleasure, Karkat! )(appy Wriggling Nig)(t!” 

He nodded to her, ready to escape, when a 3 ½ foot and seven layer cake was brought out, cherry-red frosting with intricate red piping, cherries around the base of each layer, and a modeling chocolate crab holding a cherry in each pincer on the top. 

Briefly, he considered regicide. 

Feferi grinned at him, and turned to the assembly. “I )(eard t)(at Eart)( )(as a song for wriggling nights! Let's sing it!”

“Happy Birthday to You” was sung in a mish-mash of languages, with varying levels of enthusiasm, Alternians either as quietly as possible or loudly and off-key. General Fourfang was the most obnoxious about it. Karkat was getting the distinct feeling that she was black flirting with him. Ugh. He caught Dave's smirk, and restrained himself from glaring. 

The stupid song ended, and he mentally charted the shortest path between him and his matesprit, when Feferi told him to “blow out t)(e candles, and make a wis)(!”, he hissed to her quietly that he wished he could get away from this hoofbeast fuckery. He cut the cake, serving her a slice, then himself, and she finally let him go with a cheery “Glub!”. The cake was cherry flavored. Of course. When he finally made his way over, plenty of congratulations and shaking of hands between, Dave was doing the Strider equivalent of wheezing with laughter. 

“Fuck you through one auricular and out the other, and I'll be fucking shocked if there's anything in between,” Karkat said, glowering.

Dave snickered. “Love you, too, Karkat.”

Karkat grabbed his hand, shoving the untouched cake into the hand of a passing servant. “Give this to Terezi, the crazy teal-blood who licks everything and cackles.” He turned back to Dave as they scurried off. “Come on, dipshit, I was promised makeouts.”

The two of them walked towards an exit, passing Rose and Kanaya snogging by a flower arrangement. Karkat sniffed. At least  _ he _ waited until he was in the privacy of his own block.

 

\-----------------

 

Jade smirked at Rose and Dave from across the scuttle buggy it flew them back.

“I love your hair, Rose! Did Kanaya do it, or just you?” She was far too giggly for four in the morning.

Rose glared back, wearing a tasteful scarf that covered her neck, lips shredded. She was wearing Kanaya's dress, and her hair looked like a rat’s nest. She stuck her tongue out at Jade.

Dave hadn't even bothered with a pretense, and the only parts of his suit he had retained was the shirt (half the buttons ripped off), the pants (button fastener lost to the floor of a random guest block and held up by a belt), and the shoes (freshly polished). He looked like he'd tried to eat a wood chipper and then got in a fight with a vampiric piranha. He  _ also _ looked outrageously smug. The human ambassadors and bureaucrats hadn't restrained their staring as he’d walked to the scuttle buggy, arm in arm with Karkat, giving him a heated kiss goodbye as he got in. Rose and Kanaya has been more elegant about it, Kanaya walking Rose to the scuttle buggy and helping her in, before kissing her goodbye. Kanaya _ did _ high five Karkat after the door closed, however, so all in all, they pulled about even.

Jake had taken one look at the twins and started blushing, Jane following suit, and outright gasped at Jade. 

John sputtered and blushed, looking scandalized. “Jade, oh my Gog, what- you don't-” He broke off, choking on his own spit.

Roxy and Dirk offered high fives, and were met by a glare from Rose. 

All in all, a good party.

 


End file.
